Video: Fighting (clean) With Your Partner Can Strengthen Your Relationship
When two people are in a loving relationship, fighting is part of the package, so to speak. If agreeing with yourself is not always easy, imagine what happens when two people with likes, interests, points of view and, above all, with different family stories, try to connect. Come on, having disagreements is completely normal! And far from undermining your relationship, those disagreements can make it stronger and more satisfying for both of you.
But it is very important that if they fight they do it cleanly, which is nothing other than doing it in a positive way, and that nurtures and fortifies the relationship.
Rule # 1: Don't prolong the drama. If something bothers you, express it. We already said: keeping what you feel only takes you to explode six months later, when you feel like you can't take it anymore. Punishing the other person with silence, actually punishes both, because the problem is not solved, but becomes the elephant in the room that nobody wants to mention. Pay special attention to the misconception that, if he loves you, he will have the power to read your mind and give you just what you need. Expressing what you think and feel is your responsibility.
Rule # 2: Choose the right time to speak. Wait until the initial outburst of anger passes, because trying to clear things up in that state is like trying to put out a fire with gasoline. Count to ten (or up to ten thousand) until you feel calm and in control. Still, wait for the most opportune moment to dialogue. Never try to resolve a conflict if you and he can't give you 100 percent attention (meaning: no talking while he is texting or checking your status on Facebook). Couples who get along best, believe it or not, make appointments to touch base and clear up problems.
Rule # 3: Talk about yourself, not him. Find the least explosive way to express how you feel. Why are these three words in italics? Because, according to experts, the correct way to approach the issue is not by accusing the other, which only manages to raise their defenses, but by telling them how you feel about the situation. Notice the difference between saying "You are an inconsiderate person who never takes my feelings into account!" And expressing how you feel about the other's behavior: "When you tell me that you are going to go through me and you don't, I feel … worried / nervous / irritated / abandoned…”.
Rule # 4: Don't tangle the plot. This is another way of saying that they do not disperse or ramble on the central theme. Before you begin, be clear about what specifically you need to clarify. If they discuss money (according to statistics, the number one cause of quarrels between couples) do not bring up their habit of nail biting or what their mother said six months ago and that hurt your soul. Focus on the issue before you, which is the only one you can solve.
Rule # 5: Do not attack or offend. Yes, in the heat of the fight anything can be said, but remember that when you offend, it's like when you throw a bucket of water. Even if you try, you will no longer be able to pick it up. Insults, yelling, sarcasm and threats are not the best tools for dialogue. How do you react when they offend or insult you? Do offenses lead you to try to solve things with tact and sensitivity … or lead you to hit back, but empowered?
Rule # 6: Give yourself a time out. They started well, talking about how each one feels … until suddenly something he said offended you and, like in an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, you returned fire. This is the time to take time to calm down and regain control. In fact, the most effective thing is to agree, before starting to speak, that if either of them gets confused, they will take time out to refresh their spirits.
Rule # 7: Don't fight to win. No, you have not misread. The idea is not to beat your opponent in any way, but to resolve the situation for the good of both. For the same reason, make sure that your goal is to communicate with respect and love to resolve the conflict.
Rule # 8: Don't involve others. What your mother-in-law said or what your best friend thinks of him is irrelevant and will only worsen the conflict.
Rule # 9: Accept differences of opinion. It is logical that, in some cases, they do not think the same. But if both agree on the non-negotiable aspects of the relationship, do not waste time on the minutiae, such as the tastes and preferences of each other. Respect the right of both of you to think differently.
Rule # 10: Accentuate and focus on the positive. After you clear things up, take time to celebrate the good in the relationship. Take a walk hand in hand, treat yourself to a romantic dinner or simply enjoy the wonderful pleasure of being together … and in harmony.